Lord, I pray that you know my heart better than I do. And I pray that you feel my love for you, because sometimes I struggle. Sometimes, I feel a love so strong that I think my chest is going to burst. I know that I am stubborn and need to listen and trust more. But tonight I just want to feel your arms embracing me, for this love is so much that to know all that you have suffered for me, and because of me, is a pain in my chest. Sharp as a blade and just as deep. I can never make up for the fact that I doubted you. And I don't claim to have all the answers or strongest faith now. I just know you are near and I am ashamed of what my actions and thoughts and heart have caused you. You died for me and went through so much for me and did not deserve any of it!!! Still do not deserve any of it. I feel just like the song "Circle" by Flyleaf says. "I believe. What if I believe you now?!?! Could it ever change this?!?!" I am desperate for you to be in my life and for you to not suffer. It's almost like I mourn you, even though I know you are with me always. I know that you are here, all the time, but the fact that you had to DIE for ME....it leaves me sloppy with words, struggling for breath and desperate to change it. I HATE that this had to happen. It's not that I could ever change it, but I wish I could. I wish I could take back everything that I did to make you go through all of that. I'm sorry for ever doubting and I'm sorry for any moments where I lack the faith of a mustard seed. I love you. And I can feel your arms around me while I cry for you. Please hold me Lord, I need to feel you to find peace. And though I've written so much they do not even begin to describe my feelings. There are absolutely no words Abba. None. The only three I have to offer are not nearly enough. So I will just sit with you, and cry for joy, sorrow, peace, faith, hope, and love. قبل النوم. أحبك. شكرا لك. أنا آسف.
Wish me luck,
Wilbanks
